The Million Dollar Question

Ok, i know i promised to update the rest of the weekend trip at home in the next post.  i will get to it, i promise; but something profound happened and i wanted to share it with Our blog readers.

See these jeans in the picture, they are dyed in a way that the outside of the legs has a light blue dye and the inside of the legs is dark.  This is the way they look and i never dreamed that this bit of design could ever save me from embarrassment when my wife got these jeans for me a couple years ago.

On Thursday morning, when i came in from work, i was to lock the cb and show Mistress Amanda her property was securely locked on webcam before She headed out the door to Her own job.  i did as instructed and wore the device, sleeping in the device, and upon awakening going to do my grocery shopping in the cb6000.  Thankfully i made a very good choice of attire, even though i didn't realize it at the time.

At the grocery, i stopped and got a latte at the Dunkin Donuts to drink while i was shopping.  This latte was chasing the two glasses of diet Coke that i drank with my dinner prior to shopping.  Never go shopping on an empty stomach, or so they say.  As these fluids moved through, i was in a dilemma:  i was locked in public for the first time, and now i had to use a public restroom while confined.

Now in reading thousands of posts on blogs, Altairboy's website, literotica, etc.  Will suffice to say that i have reached the end of the internet as far as fetishes, D/s and BDSM go.  I learned that when confined, it is necessary to sit to pee...like a sissy.  But i was in a a hurry, i had to wrap up the shopping and hurry home to see Mistress Amanda on webcam.  This whole restroom trip was a nuisance, and i wanted to make it quick.

Thus:  The Million Dollar Question:  Does wearing a chastity device really necessitate sitting to pee?  Where are those mythbusters when you need them!  So there i stood, in my private stall, and hovering over the toilet in a standing position.  i was reluctant to sit since i was wearing orange panties with pink border, i didn't want to pull them all way down for passerby to see under the stall door.  So my jeans and panties were kept pulled down to just the minimum to allow the chastity out.  i then allowed the flow of urine to begin.  

i could see a small stream from the top of the slot at the end of the cb6000 and i thought, hey, so far so good!  What i didn't see, and in fact, never saw, was only felt as a warm sensation  It was the urine pouring out the bottom slot, down my left leg and onto the top of my shoe.  Any guy can tell you that once you start, it is really hard to stop.  Since stopping was not an option i squatted down like a catcher over the toilet, getting as close as possible so i can stop peeing on myself.  Once the urine flow had stopped, i sighed with relief and thought i have got to get these jeans into the washer.  Then i came back to reality, the washer was back at my apartment and i was going to have to walk out of the grocery with a wet leg and wet shoe in front of no less that 20-30 people to get to the car.  Thank goodness i had already paid for the groceries and had a cart to block the view of my lower half from wandering eyes.  On another note, thank goodness for self-checkout because KY Jelly looked really funny being purchased on the same receipt as a phallic looking squash.

So while assessing the damage and planning an exit strategy, i inspected my jeans and breathed a sigh of relief.  The dark denim hid the pee perfectly!  i would just make a beeline for the door, get in the car and get back to the apartment.

Once i stepped outside the restroom, everyone in the store it seemed decided to exit in front of me, forcing me to walk slower.  These were some of the same people who were on the airplane with me last weekend, and took way too long to get their carry-ons out of the overhead compartment, i had no doubts about this.  Then i finally made it to the exit and stepped outside into the cold.  i discovered that no matter how warm the urine is, 23 degrees will turn it into ice, sending quite a shiver down my leg.  Then finally made it into the car, where i called Mistress Amanda, who found my dilemma massively entertaining as evidenced by Her saying, "oh baby, i am sorry"  followed by uncontrollable giggling.  This made me feel a stirring below as the chastity device reminded me that an erection was not a good idea.

So, the definitive answer to the question, "Must one sit to pee when wearing a cb?"  is a resonating "Yes"

Uh oh, i am in trouble

i finally got a day off from work, my job is third shift and my sleep schedule has been leaving me wanting for true slumber.  i fell asleep about 9pm last night thinking about how wonderful it is to fall asleep when it is dark outside.  i woke about 9am for a potty break, then decided since i had to work tonight, i would lay down and try to get a little more sleep in.  i was successful in repaying my sleep deficit, i got an additional four hours.  i was averaging 4 hours per night, so i feel pretty darned good right now.

When i woke up about 1:30pm, i looked at my blackberry, like i always do when i wake up.  i had a voicemail from Mistress Amanda, instructing me to lock Her cock up when i awakened.  i disobeyed, for what i thought was good reason, but i really should have obeyed.  

my reasons were that:  i wanted to take a shower and shave because my hair was pulling inside the cb6000 and it was getting uncomfortable, not to mention that i had not yet showered for the day and had a day of cleaning planned, maybe a workout too.  i have not worn a cb to the gym, so i was curious of how my testicles would react to straining with lifting heavy weights.  i thought why shower now, since i am going to get sweaty anyway.

Mistress Amanda called about 230pm, and She was not happy.  Upon hanging up, i instantly started the shower and gathered the razor, cb6000 and the lock.  i have found that it is easier to put the ring on in the shower and then add the cage part at the sink after lubing the inside.  

So now i am smooth and locked and in compliance with Mistress Amanda's command.  i feel better that i am obeying, even though i know i will be punished for disobeying.  She has Her reasons and i really need to learn to let go and trust Her leadership.  So here it is all locked up.

Our wonderful weekend

Since Mistress Amanda has given you all the gory details of the trip home, i will just pick up at the airport when i saw Her for the first time in five weeks.

She looked stunning in Her new white coat, as She waited for me by the baggage claim.  We embraced for a lasting moment and then we were off to the car.  We were parched, so we stopped for a snack and then made a beeline for the hotel.  We wanted to get as much together time as possible, because we had dinner plans with some friends at 7.  Mistress Amanda offered to let me sleep, since by the time i got into the hotel, i was hitting the 28 hour mark.  i was too excited to sleep, going on pure adrenaline.  She promptly stripped me naked, and then we counted our blessings because we had the good fortune of having the biggest cushiest leather chair with an ottoman.  It made a wonderful throne, and i got down to some long awaited worship as i knelt before Her.

We ended up being intimate for a long time and then relaxing some.  We opened our new toys that arrived in the mail.  A red butt plug, size medium (and even that one hurts thus far), a Wartenburg wheel, a couple of books, but no chastity device.  She left to get me at the airport before it was delivered, so it would be waiting for us when we got home on Saturday.  The other toys that we ordered were not available:  thigh-high black leather boots from UK and the strap on i ordered was backordered and then cancelled.  Don't get me wrong, we had plenty in out toy bag and didn't even get to it all.  300 feet of rope, panties for me, diapers, enemas, clothespins, saran wrap, riding crop, silver bullet vibrators and my nemesis: Peter Cottontail.

Peter Cottontail is a long cock shaped vibrator with the clitoral stimulator that is shaped like rabbit ears.  Peter Cottontail is as close as we are going to get to cuckoldry, which is a hard limit for the both of us.  Peter Cottontail seemed a fitting name.  You see, Peter Cottontail may be getting to enjoy the goods in the future while mine is under lock and key.  So while i am happy that Mistress Amanda will get pleasure from Peter Cottontail, there may be some jealousy on my part.

So 615 was getting close and we had to get ready for dinner.  We left, running late, but our dinner partners were gracious as always, and we had a wonderful time.  These were friends of mine before i met my wife.  They ran a munch group and served more than a few in a mentor capacity, and to beat it all, you just can't find nicer people who are gorgeous, sexy, full of life and intelligent.  Because of the circumstances in which i knew them, i made the mistake of hiding them from my wife and fell out of contact for a few years.  i got very good at compartmentalizing everything:  had my BDSM friends in a box, my party friends in another box, my college friends in another box, my wife and family in a different box.  i always thought i will have one hell of an interesting funeral, when people i went to church with as a child were sitting next to a gay leather couple.  So anyway, my wife loved my friends, and vice versa.  We will be seeing a lot more of them in the future, i missed them sorely.

So we drove back to our hosts in their car and that is where on hour 36, i crashed.  i woke up long enough to go in and say goodbyes, then we were headed back to the hotel.  Once at the hotel, Mistress Amanda proved that one can enjoy a handjob after being awake 37 hours!

So when we woke up the next morning, Mistress Amanda told me to go back to sleep while She took a bath.  After Her bath, she told me that She had been up since about 8, She is an early riser due to Her day shift schedule.  She listened to three of the Open Source Sex Podcasts by Violet Blue on Her iPod Nano that i got for Her.  She also read more of Her new book about male chastity.  Here is the link, but if you are reading this blog, you probably already know all about it.  Anyway, She was up for a long while either reading to or listening to erotic content.  After She could not contain it any longer, She woke me up and i went to use the toilet, and upon returning, She was sprawled out on the leather chair, and ready for worship.  For the next two hours, it was bliss.  Up until check out time at the hotel, so we checked out and headed for home.  And that is where i will pick up in the next post.

The Reunion

So you may be wondering if mother nature got the best of us and the impeding weather prohibited my knight from coming home? Here's how the story went...

7:30 a.m. Knight leaves work and heads toward airport 1 for 11:30 flight. Ground is covered in snow. I am watching flights in both departure and destination cities. Likliehood of plane leaving the ground....50/50. Looking for alternative flight back-up plan.

9:30 a.m. Flight cancelled at airport 1 and no other flights schedueld at this airport. Knight travels to airport 2. Attempts to procure a ticket at USAir ticket counter (trying to cash in a travel ticket that was cancelled last year. US Air wants $500 IN ADDITION to the $500 credit plus $100 change fee). In addition, they are doubtful connecting flight will make it off the ground. Outlook - not good. 80/20 chance of getting home.

10:00 a.m. I inform Knight that Southwest has a $200 ticket available through Baltimore. He will receive a credit from initial flight so additional cost is not great. Baltimore seems to be moving, some cancellations, a lot of delays and impeding snow warning. I remind Knight that he already has a return flight booked so expense is not great. Knight decides to purchase ticket and take his chances in Baltimore.

11:00 a.m. Knight and I talk. Sudden realization that return ticket is AT THE OTHER AIRPORT!!!! Ugh! How could we have forgotten this? Ticket is purchased...too late to change our minds now.

11:30 a.m. Flight leaves airport for Baltimore. I realized while monitoring its progress (it left without incident) that the planned plane change in Baltimore only has a 25 minute window between the arrival 0f the first flight and the departure of the second. I am growing nervous. Second flight is supposed to leave at 1:05 p.m.

12:55 p.m. Call Knight - goes straight to voicemail. Maybe he is already boarded on the second flight?? Growing more and more nervous. There is a lot of money invested on this long weekend trip home.

1:10 p.m. Knight calls...he is STILL sitting on flight one. The plane is being de-iced. Maybe the second flight will be late leaving...but what if the connection is on the other side of the airport??

1:15 p.m. Knight deboards flight 1. Looking for monitor...where is the next gate? Of course the connections announced by the flight attendant did not include the Knight's information. Looking for plane departure monitor...looking...reading....gate A2... right behind Knight. Going to the counter...is it gone? Is he stuck in Baltimore while his wife mistress is in route to pick him up at final destination???

1:25 Flight 2 begins boarding. Knight is coming home!

It was exciting/infuriating to have this much needed reunion after a week and a half of soul-bearing and anticipation of re-connection feel like it is just out of reach. But, an hour and a half later, my Knight is home and I am free to bring him into my power. As instructed, he came bearing a token of his adoration - he is such an obedient Knight. But his obedience is also demonstrative of his consideration of and commitment to me. An iPod Nano is presented to me, pre-loaded with my favorite music and a little Violet Blue (www.tinynibbles.com) for some educational sexual information and exotic literary entertainment. The Knight is wise...

The weekend was wonderful and I am thankful. If any of you read this and said your little hopes for our successful reunion, I thank you profusely. Oh, and you may wonder what ever became of the much awaited CB-6000....I'll let my Knight tell you ALL about that and any details he wishes to share.

Tick Tock

Ok, so everybody cross your collective fingers and send me positive energy that i can get home to Mistress Amanda tomorrow.  Winter weather may interfere with our plans to read our vows as we embark on this journey together and come together as Dominant and submissive for the very first time in the flesh.

i love this picture just above!  i cannot remember where i got it, so if it is yours, let me know so i can give credit or take it down.  If things go smoothly tomorrow, and the weather cooperates and UPS cooperates, i could be locked by this time tomorrow.  i am not sure how i feel about that.  To be honest i am a little scared, but i cannot deny the excitement that comes from having someone else holding the key to my pleasure.  Thank You Mistress Amanda for making my wildest fantasies come true.  Of course since it has already been a month since i felt Mistress Amanda's sugarwalls squeeze me so sweetly, i am praying to every deity i can think of that She will allow me some pleasure before the other pleasure that comes with being teased and edged and teased and edged and...so on.

i will update as soon as i have more information, and the next picture you see may be my, "wee-bits" locked in a cb!  Now i am off to work on my vows.

I forgot the quarters

As you may have gathered from previous posts, my Wife and i are 12 hours apart for the next nine weeks, and we have already been apart a month now.  Early on, when we were talking about things and i had my coming out of hiding, i admitted that i sniffed Her panties on occasion.  She was surprised, but pleasantly so.  Which made me very happy, because i love the sweet smell of Her panties.

i didn't have a clue that a couple days after that conversation that She had dropped a surprise in the mail, a delicious surprise!  So on the way out to work last night at about 1030, i checked the mail, and there they were.  i opened them to find them in a ziplock and locking in every bit of fragrant bliss.  i was one lucky boy, but the bad part was i was walking out the door and didn't have time to stop and smell the roses, so to speak.

i called Mistress Amanda on the way to work, and thanked Her profusely.  Upon getting to work, i had to dwell on it all night, The Goddess' panties just waiting for worship.  i called Her, per usual routine in the morning.  When i was just about home, She said, "If You cant get to the apartment, get Your laundry into the washer, and come while smelling my panties, i will allow it".  She was about to walk out the door, so i thought i had 10 minutes until the cutoff time.

It is important to tell you that Mistress Amanda is in total control of my orgasms.  i am not currently under lock and key, but that is only because the good people at UPS have not delivered the CB-6000 yet.  It is due to arrive at home to Mistress Amanda on Friday, the same day i am flying in for a long weekend.  Convenient timing, unfortunately the strap-on we ordered was not so lucky.  The thigh high boots, have not left the UK yet.  So let's cross our fingers for the butt plug and the Wartenberg wheel to get there before i get home!  Back to the point, since Mistress Amanda has taken control, all of my orgasms are supervised, and will be from here on out.  So when She gave me a chance to come, i pushed the gas pedal down a little harder.

Murphy's law is a bitch, because usually when i get to the apartment there are plenty of parking spots at that particular time.  Not today, i had to parallel park into the tiniest of spaces, eating away at the time i had left.  Once in the spot, i ran around the block to the building, and up two flights of stairs.   All while Mistress Amanda was listening on the phone to monitor my progress.  i got my laundry and ran back down to the floor below to start the laundry, got the clothes in, added soap and then......

No quarters, i left them upstairs.  i was at a critical juncture, time was of the utmost importance!  i ran back upstairs got the quarters and ran back down to start the laundry.  Objective met.  On the line, i heard Mistress Amanda ask if i was out of breath, with sinister laughter following.  Yes i was out of breath, the very breath i needed to inhale that aroma that lingered on Mistress Amanda's panties.

i stripped quickly, and sat on the bed. i took the padded envelope and tenderly removed the panties like a sacred artifact.  Pre-cum had leaked through, because of the arousal.  i laid back, placed the panties over my head and lined the crotch up to my nose and took the longest, steadiest breath.  i was literally basking in Mistress Amanda's essence and it was exquisite.  i began stroking, slow at first then with building intensity.  As i neared the point of no return, i asked permission to orgasm.  Even when Mistress Amanda tells me i can orgasm, i have to get permission again at the point of no return.  Luckily, forgetting the quarters didn't cost me the orgasm.  i only beat Mistress Amanda by two minutes.  If not for the scent of the panties, it might have taken two minutes more, then i would have really been out of luck.

Since i will be home in two more days, i doubt i will get the chance to orgasm again.  She offers solace by saying, "maybe when you get home, but we will see."

Mistress Support

I wanted to share the email I sent to Mistress Kathy (femdom101) who inspired my husband to come clean...well dirty, well, just cum.

Mistress Kathy,

I applaud you and thank you in any way that your site helped by knight reveal himself. What is ironic is, looking back, how many messages we sent that other did not receive. When he and I first met, our friends envied us and referred to us as "the power couple". I know now that this waned as our fulfillment diminished. He was frustrated and I knew it. I tried to be supportive, but he became more distant. On the outside we were still planning, still happy day to day, but he became such a pessimist and I could not figure it out.

At first, when he revealed himself, I was mixed. There was not a time when I judged him or thought him freakish. I just needed to work through it in my mind. My only fear is taking a direction that would hurt our marriage and knowing that he withheld something so important crushed me. How do you get past it and know that NOW there is really honesty?

But, as he will tell you, I latched on quickly. The first thing we did was get online and explore this topic together. Next step...toys and lots of them. Not just toys, but props to empower me. And I needed NOOOOO prompting. I love shoes and my knight has always had a fascination with boots, so...straight from the UK, the perfect pair of thigh-high boots, coupled with some sexy new outfits and toys for punishment, I was all set. This was around day 3 and 4.

Now, life is more exciting. We still have our day to day conversations, but our creative sides have re-emerged. Where we go, what we do, subtle ways of reminding him I am his queen...these will ensure our continued success as a couple (because if he dares obey me, the punishments will be rewarding).

Wishing honesty and courage to all dommes to be....Remember, the past is the past and the future is incredible.

Easy on the eyes

As i was leaving work this morning, i saw a coworker who i normally see on the way out.  She is attractive and i usually give her a second look.  Not a long lustful stare, but an innocent double take.  i had no desire to try to chat with her and get her number or anything of the sort.  i am fiercely loyal to my wife, in our previous life as well as now.  That is a quality that has not changed.  What has changed is this:  i didn't do a double take this morning, i saw her walk in to work, and i kept right on going.  You see, i needed to hear my wife's voice on the phone and nothing was going to slow me down.  Yes i noticed her, but felt no motivation to look again.

Now that i am back at the apartment and have had a chance to contemplate what occurred, i am certain that i didn't do a double take because my wife has firmly cemented Her place as the only source of pleasure that i will know for the rest of my days.  The eye candy girl, can give me absolutely nothing, nor do i want her to.  For me, she has become no more significant that a gnat on a horse's ass.  All i want is my Wife.

The eye candy girl is not the only thing that is growing insignificant; my need to seek online fantasies is completely obliterated, except for the purposes of finding a link to share with my wife for Her pleasure or future idea use, or participating in blogs.  But anyway, back to the point.

i think most people at some time close their eyes and think of a person or a scenario during sex with their significant other.  Brad Pitt is a popular figure for the ladies, and he is androgynous enough that some men might even fantasize about him.  What i am trying to say, is that at no time did the eye candy girl ever make me wish i was unattached or did i ever even consider being unfaithful to my wonderful Wife.  What i am guilty of is that before i revealed myself to my wife, i would close my eyes during sex and imagine that my Wife was spanking me with a riding crop, while we were in the missionary position; or a fictional Dominatrix in my head was telling me, "you better fuck Wife's pretty pussy good or i will tear Your ass to ribbons with my cane".  This was the type of inner dialogue that ran through my head in order for me to get off.

Now, my fantasies and my realities are the same, they became the same on the day i finally grew a pair and took the initiative to email a picture of a cb-6000 to my wife.  My Wife is my everything, all i want, all i need, what i crave, what i will work for.  No other can compare, i don't even care about eye candy any longer.  

Something to look forward to

We have been married 2 1/2 years. When we first met I thought he was as optimistic as Me. But over the past year and a half or so, he always seemed to be such a pessimist. Didn't enjoy work, bored at home, a little depressed; this was my husband's m.o. Making a decision to leave for the other side of the country to work for 3 months, then coming home for the holidays and then leaving again for 3 months was sad, but it didn't seem like the end of the world. We could both manage our day to day lives. We would miss each other, but leaving was a financially sound reason to go. Looking back, we merely lost the day to day companionship that is much easier to deal with than the now loss of passion and need we feel to see each other.

So a little history, when he left for his first position on the other side of the country, it was new, I was scared about taking all of the responsibilities of home, but excited to visit a new part of the country when I went to visit him. After 4-5 weeks we planned a spontaneous visit (conjugal, of course). When I got there I was ecstatic to see him and him me. I longed to stay with my friend, my companion and the man who had been my lover. The first night we tried to make up for lost time...but it was a lot of work and I don't think either of us really came out of it feeling satisfied. Orgasm yes, utter passion and fulfillment, not a chance (for either of us!). I should tell women who skeptically read this, that he was not getting his fulfillment from another woman. Though we have never been able to claim passion, we have always "satisfied" the needs of the other. I don't think either one of us would think about straying from a lifelong partner just because we felt a little blah about our sexual encounters. We are both attentive and strive to please the other, so there has never been a problem causing us to feel detached and look for companionship elsewhere. We are also great friends, we enjoy exploring together, sharing thoughts and debating political subjects.

When he returned for the holidays, I was so eager to have him home. I longed to lay next to him, to be by his side and have him by mine. He is my best friend; my confidant was coming home. But three short weeks later he was off again. This time we picked someplace closer so we could be on the same time zone and have more hope of visiting between our schedules. And again...it was hard to say goodbye, but not impossible.

Now, now...I am like a school girl. Since the confession of his desires, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. We talk about every spare moment of the day we are both available (which can easily be 3-4 hours). We communicate about the day to day things but then we evoke sensual feelings of need and passion in each other. It is not something I try to do, he just inspires me! :-) When my knight comes home for a visit this weekend, I am guessing it will be impossible to let him go back. Our relationship, as good as it was before, has reached an elevated level of, well, all I can call it is being synced; being two people with the same needs and desires and being able to communicate those in a way that invokes passion.

My once gloomy knight has stopped complaining...about work, about being bored, about EVERYTHING. The only thing on his mind is Me and getting to me as quickly as he can. He looks forward to serving his queen and I look forward to being served.

That thing i do

It is amazing how my life has changed.  Not just in terms of my coming clean, but with everything else.  Usually after work, i stop to get a coffee, or a snack.  Since i am on night shift, getting Dunkin Donut is something that i previously did.  Not only bad to make a habit of, but costly as well.

Now i am in such a hurry to get back to the apartment, just to hear the voice of Mistress Amanda on the phone.  i hunger for Her much more than anything else.  i would wager that i lost at least 5 pounds this week.  i can't eat, i can't sleep and it is like being in love all over again.  i suppose it should be because i am very much in love, and in sync with Mistress Amanda.  i crave Her;  she might kill me, i sent at least seven emails to Her inbox over the course of the night telling Her how much i crave Her and love Her.  Not that they wake Her up because i am on the night shift, but i know She has to deal with full inboxes at Her work, seven days a week.

On that note, that was one of my cop outs for not telling Her sooner.  i thought She was too busy to take an interest.  Boy was i wrong, and delightedly so.  It is stunning to me that i am capable of this level of devotion.  i am not even in person or locked up at this time, and i crave Her attention and affection and companionship so bad i literally feel anxious all the time.  i can't complain because i am loving this.

To the guys:  There is such BDSM in the mainstream these days, that you can certainly use some of it to your benefit.  i mean you can point them to Elise Sutton (nothing against Her or Her work) and risk overwhelming them.  Or you can use the TV Boss commercial spot where the mom tells the Dominatrix that she is blocking her on the television.  Or another example is the Ikea commercial.  Anything that can be an icebreaker with maybe a little humor would serve you well.

Ye of little faith....

So he says I am on day 7, he does not realize this is also part of me. But let him be blissful that I am "accepting" of him and "open" to his interests and desires. Never mind that I have wanted to tell him what he can and will do since we met. I am strong. I pride myself on my ability to endure and provide. Define a goal and I will achieve it.

And achieving is what I am able to now do. Knowing the reason that my husband has been holding out on me, I will encourage and support him in his revelations. Then, I will emasculate him taking away his strength and power to kneel before his Queen and abide by her wishes. He is no longer permitted to come into my presence without a token of his adoration (which is easy to demand when we are only able to connect physically about once a month).

I am looking forward to this journey with him. As his wife, it is important to me to see that his desires are fulfilled. How lucky am I that I get to mandate those desires? I will lock his manhood away until I am ready for him to earn his bliss and fulfillment. I will tease him with my mind and body yet keep him locked away, unable to enjoy nature's way of expressing his interets through arousal. My knight will now be forced to succumb to my wishes for My cock...touching it when I say he can, stroking it when I allow him to and coming when I permit his pleasure.

I guarantee this strong man of a knight will earn his just rewards. However, he will now have to work for and earn his ability to orgasm or be denied the pleasures he could formerly take unto himself. This is his reward from Me for being an honest servant.

Following on his comment about protocol, my husband is still my equal in day to day life. I do not want his esteem or sense of accomplishment to diminish due to sexual needs. When I release him from his knight role he will still be expected to excel in his career and protect the interests and respectability if his family. We wil now share love and protection as we will also share passion and lust. I feel complete.

Clarification

Mistress Amanda and i were talking yesterday about protocols.  She had mentioned that She didn't want the relationship to stop outside of the bedroom, and i wholeheartedly agreed.  We cannot deny that there are times when an overt act could be contraindicated and we should adjust accordingly.

If you read some of the previous posts, at times i refer to Mistress Amanda as just that.  In another post, i referred to Her as "M".  This might be confusing, so i hope the next statement brings some clarity.

When we are in private, Amanda is to be addressed as "Mistress Amanda".  When in public, i am to address Her as, "M".  Give or take how heavy we are into our roles at the moment.  In times of stress or needing to get things done and day-to-day life taking precedence, she will be Amanda, my wonderful, beautiful wife.

We don't need protocol and titles at every juncture to appreciate Her Dominance over me.  Sometimes when i write, i refer to myself with a lower-case "i".  Any English teacher will give you a rap over the knuckles for this because it is not correct.  It is a sign of respect to M that i use the lower case, but if i fail to do it, it doesn't mean that She has lost control.  i attempt to capitalize to reflect our positions as much as possible, but sometimes i type as i was trained for years in school.  It is so funny that there are chatrooms that actually boot people for failing to abide by the protocol with the strictest adherence.  Always seemed strange to me, at least.  

Hardwired to Serve

I first discovered BDSM around the age of 11. My grandfather was somewhat of a collector, and probably a kinkster in his youger years. There was a stash of Penthouse Forum and Penthouse Letters from the 1970s in the house. The topics ranged from bisexual encounters to orgies to outside sex in weird places to bondage to incest. These very taboo subjects caught my eye and I read these stories over and over, then once more. Masturbating wildly and frequently. Most 11 years old boys probably get off looking at playboy for the pictures. While I enjoyed the pictures, I needed the dialogue and background to go with them in order to be stimulated. The contents of these books stashed away in my memory was all I had for a number of years, I was too shy and awkward to explore for myself, not to mention the fact of being too young. Once I turned 18, I could get into adult bookstores and it was there that I began putting together my very expensive, secret collection, still not having the nerve to seek out another person to explore these interests, and too young to have an established job with which to afford going to a professional dominatrix. Enter the internet, the pandora's box that led me to mIRC, aol and just about every other chat out there that dealt with my interests. The web was still too slow to load lots of pictures, flash and video, but it was perfect for meeting people to cyber and perhaps meet in person. I did meet a woman in Kentucky that was about my age. We were both a little daring, and got thrown out of a peepshow at a bookstore. She was spanking my panty covered and butt plugged ass, while I grinded myself on her thigh. I guess it was a little loud. I was not really even attracted to her, she was just someone who understood and had a common interest. I didnt see her again. Hardwiring to be the way I am took place in my childhood, I vividly remember events that occured before my learning at the age of eleven that there was a whole world to be explored. At the age of four, I remember my mother giving me an OTK spanking. I dont remember for what, but I do remember getting hard, and feeling myself against my mother's leg. That was the last OTK she ever gave me, which leads me to believe that she realized the effect it was having on me. I also remember shopping for school clothes, and after I tried on several pants, my mother went to check out and took not only the new pants, but the pants I wore into the store. I thought I was going to be left behind. I must have been 6 or 7 at the time. I remember darting around the store in my underwear, hiding in clothes racks, while women in the store were laughing at me and pointing. I also remember dressing as a ghost for one halloween during and Indian summer when it was still quite hot. Under my sheet I wore only underwear because of the heat; and I had to go trick or treating scared that someone would discover I wore only briefs. Another memory is a neighborhood girl playmate pinning me beneath her and spitting on my face during a wrestling episode. And the last memory is sitting on a yard toy that squirted water up in the air. Another girl in my neighborhood took turn letting the water fill our bowels, then I remember watching her pee and expel the water through her suit. I dont know if these events stuck out and made me who I am, or merely reinforced who I already was inside. Either way, my desires are rooted deeply in me. But this is who I am, and I cannot change it. I am so lucky to have a Wife that loves me and accepts me for all my kinks and interests. I am with my perfect match and soulmate.

Mistress Amanda's Viewpoint

My knight could no longer pretend he was my equal in our sexual encounters. He longed to bow in front of me and I longed to take from him what I wanted. 

Early in our relationship we had a series of miscommunications, though we both left pleasurable moments with a feeling of lacking fulfillment. 

Finally my knight, slowly testing the waters, begged my forgiveness. The more he admitted, the more he wanted to tell because he realized the omission of the truth was worse that he thought the truth could be. 

We are a happily married couple. The honesty with which we can communicate cannot be matched. Together we are whole - physically, mentally and sexually.

I wish anyone reading this blog the courage to share love and trust unconditionally as my knight and his Queen have. 

He will be rewarded for his love, truth and obedience.

February 16, 2008 9:06 AM

The Distance Between Us

For the record, in this period that we are making strides in our relationship and embracing our roles, we are 12 hours apart.  My work has necessitated that I travel for the better part of last year, and the first part of this year.  We have been speaking constantly on the phone and webcam, taking time to explore our feelings about these roles and actively fulfilling them.  We were always destined for these roles.  M told me that She has knows that She should be worshipped for a very long time, and was merely waiting on the right man to come along to adore Her.  Even in our vanilla lives, when we first started dating I knew M had a Dominant streak because She insisted on controlling the route to our destination.  What I accepted as being headstrong was a large part of my attraction to Her.  I knew I didn't want a Woman who was spineless and would roll over and comply with any directive that I issued.  She was certainly not that kind of Woman.

I am currently regretting every second that I lost in the last three years by being afraid to be my true self.  It is so hard to repress things, it makes me tired and irritable and M had to put up with my defiance when it came to honest communication.  Being out is so liberating, I don't have to clear out Mozilla's Firefox private data every time I log in to look at websites of the Domination and submission genre.  I don't have to hide my porn stash deep in a file tree on the Apple Airport Extreme Hard Disk.  It is liberating, I finally get to share my thoughts and kinks, and She is enjoying them as much as I; in some cases using the information learned to reward or punish me.

In a marathon session of phone sex last night, lasting at least 6 hours much to the chagrin of Verizon Wireless, who I anticipate is going to kick us off the network at any moment, She teased me and told me that I could have an orgasm.  She waited until the last possible moment, and as the sensation of ejaculating was on the brink, she simply said, "stop".  As the ejaculate oozed out, I thought to myself, that She must have seen the Rob and Jill site, where Jill ruins Rob's orgasm by stopping as he begins to ejaculate.  I asked her where She learned about ruining an orgasm, so the semen comes out, but the pleasure of orgasm is lost.  She replied I didn't learn it anywhere, I just knew to do it.  This blew my mind because if She had this inside Her mind already, She is a natural Domme and i must consider myself to be quite a lucky knight.

Luckily, i was able to give Her two orgasms over the phone.  One last night and one this morning.  This morning's was peculiar because She was feeling submissive, which She admits is about 10 percent of the time, which closely matches up to my feeling Dominant 10 percent of the time.  I became Her Master, and led Her through a scene, and gave Her three minutes to cum.  She missed the mark, and I gave Her an extra minute, in which She exploded.  This showed us who the more exacting Dominant was in the relationship, because if I miss the mark, I don't know if I would be getting the extra minute.  I hope so, until I am better trained at least.

So two good orgasms for the Queen, and one deliciously ruined orgasm, and one wonderful orgasm for the knight.  At this point, my orgasms for the week are over because i am flying in for a visit this coming weekend, where we will spend lots of time getting familiar with our bodies, roles and minds.  The CB-6000 should be delivered by then, it was ordered last night along with a Wartenberg Wheel and a butt plug.  M ordered a two sexy outfits, unfortunately one was backordered, and we are praying that the sexy, thigh high boots makes it in from the United Kingdom.  A Feeldoe is next on our list among lots of other toys we want.  Good thing it is tax refund time.

We have arranged that once we get settled in after my arrival, we will be renewing our vows, which we will write ourselves to commemorate our new direction in the relationship.  She insists that mine should say, "love, honor, worship and obey" somewhere in there.  When we were married the first time, the minister used generic, archaic vows and chided Her to say love, honor and obey.  I know she burst out in laughter, and for the life of me, I don't know if She ever repeated the obey portion.  Also, she wants the deletion of the "til death do us part" and prefers that I say, "as long as I bring pleasure to my Mistress".  Hard to believe She only learned about this lifestyle a week ago, She is literally on Day 7!

~Humbly in service to the Queen

The Whole Truth

It started as an innocent email forward, an Ikea commercial of a Woman in lingerie chasing a man around the house.  The Woman had a pitchfork in hand, chasing the man who was oinking and running around in his tighty-whities and a pink piggy mask.  The end of the commercial shows the daring couple getting caught by their late teenage children.  At this point the commercial ends and suggests that the kids should move out, and Ikea will be there to help with the furnishing needs.

The commercial, although funny and good for a laugh according to most vanilla people, spoke to me on an entirely different level.  You see, I had discovered D/s at a very early age and had been fascinated with it for years.  I had met a lot of people along the way who were into D/s but met no one with whom I saw a real future relationship.  The commercial gave me a platform in which to reach out to my wife.

I, like most other men, struggled with the idea of telling my wife about my interests.  I was so afraid of being judged and potentially losing my marriage, that I was happy with a 90% relationship.  The other 10% was missing.  It was missing every time I had to close my eyes during sex to enjoy my private fantasies, leaving my wife uninvited and isolated.  It was missing when I drifted off into day dreams, depriving my wife of conversation.  The missing 10 was causing my wife to doubt that I loved her.  I hurt her with my lie of omission.

One reason that I withheld the information was that I was scared of being judged.  How do I come out and tell my wife that I wanted her to take the lead, dominate me, spank me, humiliate me, feminize me, put me in chastity, face sit me, bind me, make me service her strap-on,  but still love and respect me as her husband?  What if she tells her sister or family?  What if she says I am sick and wants to leave me?  The reason I withheld it was I was afraid of losing the Woman I loved.

I had put feelers out in the past, mentioned the feeldoe on one occasion.  Joked about how Ralph Cifaretto on The Sopranos allowed Janice Soprano to make him a hooah (whore).  Mentioned erotic movie scenes, but I guess what I really needed was to trust my wife to come out and say it, because she didn't respond to my trial balloons.  We learned that we are both lacking when it comes to subtlety.

The Ikea commercial started the dialogue between us, and I spilled everything.  I told her about my past, my fetishes, my kinks, my interests.  Most importantly, I communicated that it all this was not about my pleasure, it was about her pleasure.  I empowered her.  It is only when I came clean, that I really found out how rejected she had felt when I seemed disinterested in sex.  She wanted to feel needed and when she needed me the most, I was inside my own mind trying to add the element I needed to make it pleasurable.

I have spent the last three days baring my soul and we are on fire.  We both sit on pins and needles all day just to get to talk more about where our lives are headed.  She has always been a headstrong Woman, and had a little seed that could be sown to turn into the Exquisite Dominating Wife Mistress, she just didn't have the soil.  At long last I gave her the soil for the seed, and with three days watering, she is relishing her newfound power and her new role.  She is learning my heart's desires and I, hers.

I have never been this happy in all my life, someone finally understands me 100%  And that someone happens to love me unconditionally.  I can open up and love her and make her feel needed and wanted.  Her holding a key to my chastity is nothing compared to the key that she now holds to my heart.

Humbly in service to the Queen~